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Daily Archives: August 23, 2017

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32 Very British Problems

1. Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”.

2. Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”.

3. Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best.

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4. Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door.

5. Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit.

6. Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand.

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7. Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home.

8. The huge sense of relied after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector.

9. The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”.

10. “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it.

11. Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands.

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12. Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their pin that you accidentally dislocate your neck.

13. Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change.

14. Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again.

15. Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested.

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16. Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”.

17. Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon.

18. Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossing, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave.

19. Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible.

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20. The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about.

21. Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.

22. Suddenly remembering you tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot.

23. Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink.

24.” You’ll have to excuse the mess”-Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit.

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25. Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it.

26. “I’m off to bed” – translation: “I’m ff to stare at my phone in another part of the house”.

27. Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever.

28. Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live your new name for ever.

29. Running out of ways thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed “cheers”, “ta” and “nice one”.

30. Changing from “kind regards” or just “regards”, to indicate that you are rapidly reaching the end of your tether.

31. Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again.

32. Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops to ringing.

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